Ask Dr. Donna Donna Steckal, PhD, C.S.A.C. (As seen weekly in The Payson RoundUp)

Help in Dealing with Relationships, Communication and Conflict

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     Disgusted with broken promises

Dear Disgusted,
My guess is that you would like him to know how frustrated you feel and this could be beneficial feedback for him if you also expressed your needs (without blame) and made some specific requests to get your needs met. For example, instead of saying "whatever" when you hear him contradict himself, you might explain the difference between what you heard him say the first time and the second time, and your feelings of confusion that result because of your need for understanding of his full position on the matter. Then ask what he'd like you to do to best help him achieve that. I suggest that each time you feel confused or frustrated and find a way to speak your truth about this directly to your employer, you will feel more peaceful inside and you will then be more likely to increase the level of trust between you.

     Seething in Snowflake

Dear Seething,
I hear two concerns on your part; 1) Did he believe you? and 2) How could he have doubted you to begin with? I'm guessing that you have not yet told him about these feelings and needs and that the seething comes from carrying this around in silence.

My suggestion would be for you to tell him, perhaps in this manner; "Since we haven't spoken in awhile, I'm wondering if you still have some doubts about whether I took your money and I'd like some reassurance that you believed me when I said that I didn't. I'd like you to tell me how you feel". Then listen carefully to his response and be careful not to take what he says personally; remember his feelings are related to his needs. Keep focused on your need for reassurance to re-establish trust in the relationship. Doing this may give you some piece of mind and you may also regain some of the trust that's been lost (for both of you) by opening the door and being honest with him!

     Stumped in Strawberry

Dear Stumped,
I'm guessing this happens more frequently than you'd like, since you see it as something to get rid of or stop doing. I suggest that the next time someone offers an opinion, you simply hear it as a belief that is based on their experience, which may not necessarily be validated by your own. I'd also like you to know that I think it's a positive sign of healthy communication that you were able to bring up your concern with your husband and get the reassurance that you needed.

     Still Stewing

Dear Stewing,
It sounds like you are feeling disappointed for more than one reason; first becasuse you needed to have a quality of connection with family that you weren't able to achieve (e.g., honesty) and also because you would have liked to have had some acknowledgment or appreciation for your time and effort to be there to begin with. I imagine you may have some other feelings as well. Perhaps writing them out in a letter form could help you get in touch with them. Usually, after we give ourselves some empathy, it becomes easier to understand where the other party may have been coming from; e.g., in this case, maybe fear that talking about the pain might bring it on. By the way, you don't have to mail the letter if you don't want to, but you could if you felt it might be helpful...

     A lttle on edge

Dear On Edge,
You sound like someone who has a strong sense of conviction. Remember, if you don't let your expectations of their behavior get too high, you'll be less likely to get disappointed. I suggest that you schedule in some alone time for yourself (to reflect on your experiences and to relax and take some breaks), e.g., maybe take some walks; and bring along some things that are familiar and comfortable; like some favorite music and a good book. And don't forget to have some fun!